A plan is defined as a detailed proposal for doing or achieving. See I had a plan. I had an image in my head as to what my life would look like, I could see it. I saw how my marriage would be, how I would parent. I had goals and plans for my career and work life. I knew what I wanted to DO I knew what I wanted to achieve.
The word HAD ... is a word that indicates past tense. See my life has not gone as planned, and it did not seem to matter how hard I planned or tired. My life has taken a very different path from the one I has intended.
I hate it, I am all about a plan or at least some parameters. I am a colour inside the lines type of girl. I am not rigid ( this is a lie I have told myself for years so just go with it) I make room for variation ( again this is a lie ) but not a complete 180 .. that is not my style. But, like it or not, life has a way of teaching you things.
I guess I should start by saying that I have faught the change. I have resented the failed plans to the point that I have made my self sick both physically and mentally. So when I sat down today to write, I decided to just write from the heart. To tell some of my experiences and try to help others who may be dealing with similar feelings or experiences. Please feel free to learn from my mistakes.
There was a time that I was in no way ready or willing to accept that my plans had gone to Hell in a hand basket. ( probably like yesterday to be honest )
The Plans, and Back up Plans
Marriage : I got married young ( I was 19) and thankfully my husband is an absolutely wonderful man. However, it took me way too many years to figure that out. We would butt heads constantly, we did not see eye to eye that is for sure. Looking back I can see now that I was a very big part of the problem. I would get an idea about how I wanted or expected things to be and if he did not see things the same way, there would be a fight.
Fast forward Twenty one years later, I can now see that I probably did not handle things well, that is for sure. It was a constant power struggle. Combined with you know ... some Italian spiciness on his part.
Thankfully we are finally on the same page (for the most part). I learned the hard way that I need to be a more yielding person in general. I just really wish I had not wasted so many years with the arguing and fighting. I could have had a lot less stressful, tear filled marriage, the terrible words that were spoken in rage can't be taken back. That the hurt and resentment did not need to happen. We could have worked on the problems and not faught each other.
See this is what 40 year old me wished that 20 and 30 year old me knew. I just really wish I had not wasted so many years. I am so fortunate that we stuck by each other and we are stronger for it today. But has it gone according to my original plan? NO it has not. Have I learned to love and be a better wife on the winding path it took? Yes I really have.
Babies: I wanted a 2 or 3 child family. I could see it clearly. I would have my children relatively close in age. It was perfect (in my mind). They would grow up together and be best friends. We got pregnant in early 2001 .. and that pregnancy sadly ended in miscarriage. I was devastated, my mom has a history of pregnancy loss and I was terrified that I was in for the same fate. Loosing that baby was not in my plans. Being angry about it was not in my plans either.
We were very fortunate and I got pregnant in June of 2001. Morning sickness ... like the worst morning sickness ever. I had hyperemesis gravidarum. I was admitted to hospital due to it, I was severely dehydrated and would vomit 12 to 15 times a day (on a good day). That was when it hit me, I was terrified that I was going to loose this pregnancy.
I don't think that I really every "got over" my miscarriage to be truthful, not that anyone really ever does really. Loosing a pregnancy leaves a scar on your heart, scars may heal but they are always there. This was not the plan I had for me. I wanted that glowing pregnancy photo shoot and the joy and happiness that comes with expecting. Rather, I found my self sick as a dog and miserable. Again this was not in my plan. I think I got a little bitter and a touch resentful of other moms who seemed to have it all. These woman were breezing through pregnancy with little to no troubles. And I became jealous, envy is not a good colour on anyone. It was not in my plan to be this jealous of others.
When I did finally have our little girl in early spring 2002, our age and the constant battles we were still having in our marriage made parenting difficult. The sleepless nights did not really help either. I was exclusively breast-feeding and my husband was working full time. So that meant I had the day shift and the night shift with our daughter. Being a first time mom at 22 you quickly realize you are a child raising a child. My husband and I had different views on just about every subject possible when you have a new baby. I think this is when resentment started. This is an incredibly unhealthy way to be living (no kidding right) but when you are deep in the trenches of new mommyhood you don't recognize it. Resentment was not in my plan at all.
In time I was ready to have more children but health conditions and circumstances did not permit. Again I fell into that deep anger and frustration that came with me realizing that once again my life was not going as I had planned. I was not very nice about it, I was down right rude to some of my good friends when they would announce that they were expecting a 2nd or 3rd baby. I let the fact that my personal plans were not going my way affect the way I treated others. And that is not cool and not the person I strive to be. 40 year old me would like to tell 20 something me that I should have enjoyed the first years more and not been so stuck on my personal pity, feeling sorry for the things I did not have. Been grateful for the beautiful healthy baby girl I actually had.
40 year old me would also give 20 year old me a really long talking to about how we treat others and that the sign of a good friend is being able to celebrate our friends joys and wins ... even if we are not having a great day and feel like crap. So the babies plan did not work out. But the Baby that I do have (well she is 18 now) is without question my greatest gift! She is my perfect present and I am extremely thankful for her EVERY SINGLE DAY Work: I have worked in a Hospital for the last 17 + years. I love working in health care. I LOVE patient care. I worked in Oncology for the longest, it can be a taxing spot to work. For the most part I loved every single aspect of my job. I loved being part of a team, I loved the feeling of a job well done. I have such great respect for my group and the Physicians I was working with. There came a time when as a couple, my husband and I decided that I did not have to work full-time. With my health condition, working full-time and having any energy for my family became impossible. I had lost my joy. I would use up every drop of energy and patience and kindness at work, then arrive home empty, frustrated and tired. It was not working. So after keeping an eye out on the job posting board I found a part-time job that fit exactly what I was looking for. The new position would be 8-4 and every other day. It seemed like a dream! I applied and was the successful candidate.
After working in my new position for 6 months, I had a massive allergic reaction. I was exposed to balsamic vinegar while having my lunch in the staff room. Funny thing to mention I never had one negative feeling towards the person who's food started the allergic reaction. A younger version of me would have been quite salty over it ... but in this case it never even crossed my mind.
After a week in the ICU I went home and honestly I have never been the same. You see, since I was prescribed my sulphite free epinephrine the PLAN was that I carry it in my purse ... that day it was not in my work bag (insert massive guilt) The hospital I worked at has an allotment of my Epi that we PLANNED to kept on hand in the pharmacy to treat me in an emergency situation. It was misplaced. Once in the ICU unit - 3 times food or drink was delivered to my room that had the words printed on it CONTAINS SULPHITES. The inpatient food service has very specific notes about my allergy ~ a PLAN that we set up the first time I had a major reaction. I believe that the years of planning 'incase' there is an incident combined with the fact that so many of my safety nets failed, hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have an overly inflated sense of importance, but I also don't feel worthless. This group of incidents absolutely plummeted my self esteem and value to rock bottom. It was not in my plans to almost die. It was not in my plans to loose the ability to trust. It was not in my plan to almost die (again). I did not plan to fear going back to the hospital. But here I am terrified of so many things that I love and enjoyed. So for the time being I am off work, and that has also affected my self worth and how I identify. Everyday I work on healing. I am taking each day as it comes. Somedays are terrible, somedays are pretty good. I am slowly finding pleasure in things. Cooking and Baking are a major source of happiness, and I am doing something every day just for me. I know I am fortunate to have a support system around me that loves me and encourages me on the days that I can't get out of bed. I have family that helps me to see the positive and friends that check in to make sure I am doing ok. I have a husband who knows if the oven is pre heating at 11 pm to just kiss my forehead and say good night rather then ask "Why are you baking now ??" he just knows it's what I need to do in that moment. No one would have planned for life to take them in this direction, but here I am. And I plan to keep on working at being adaptable. I plan to keep loving me. I plan to not give up. I plan to be grateful because I believe that people who are grateful will recover from trauma better than the ones that are not. I did not chose this path, but I am here. I will not stop planning. I plan to stick around for a long time. Luv 💛 SFB