Lacking /ˈlakiNG/ adjective • deficient or inadequate.
Since being diagnosed with my allergy there are definitely parts of my life that you could say are lacking.
A quick explanation of my allergy and what it involves . I have an anaphylactic response to sulphites ( these little suckers are found in just about everything food & drink, medicine alcohols & wine ) In the years since my diagnosis this allergy has also evolved and become very sensitive. So sensitive in fact it is considered “airborne”
When this first started I would just get hives.
I am now so sensitive to sulphites that if there is a glass of red wine in the same room I have an attack.
I have historically reacted rather quickly. So let’s say for arguments sake about 10 minutes after I have been exposed I am at the point where I struggle to breath. For people who are not familiar with what a severe allergic reaction looks like ( I mean beyond Will Smith in the movie Hitch ) My experience is that I start to cough and choke. I start coughing so hard that I begin to vomit. When I try to inhale my throat sticks together- gagging me and makes me vomit again. I have been fortunate enough that I have been very close to the Emergency Room when things have gotten to this point ( I work at a hospital so it’s just worked out that way ) But it’s a very scary and humiliating experience and the toll it takes on me mentally & physically is a hefty one. It is an experience I try to avoid at all costs.
So when I talk about having a lack or loss. I am talking about the loss and associated grief that I have experienced and will continue to cope with for as long as my body lets me down.
I try believe that until you experience this kind of personal loss & it’s scope you can’t really understand it. ( and I don’t wish this on anyone) It’s a massive social loss. Let’s face it we live in a social society, we celebrate things together and more often then not this celebration will involve food. Depending on the size of the celebration an external venue may also come into the mix. For me restaurants that are enclosed are rather dangerous ( Patios in the summer are like a little gift 🎁 ) How many times do we meet up with friends for a drink ? Or go out for a guys/girls night for wings ? Or do we go out for a milestone dinner like and Wedding Anniversary or Retirement?
What about office potluck? Baby showers ? Bridal Showers ? Or days that you just want to grab some take out because it’s not a celebration day .. it’s actually a bad day.
When you have a really bad allergy like mine each of these “ normal events” come with a red flag. May time’s you have to decline in order to protect your self. Or if you do feel that you can safely attend, you find that the entire event you are on such high alert that you can’t even enjoy. This is when the symptoms of my PTSD like to run wild.
Other events that get added to the “Loss list” are Weddings. This I think was one of the very hardest for me and by extension my husband. My husband comes from a beautiful amd extremely close family. So the weddings are epic! Plus it’s a time to catch up with cousins and family you have not seen in a while. Banquet halls are pretty much a no go for me. Missing out on celebrating with the happy couple, dressing up and having a night out with my husband. This has been extremely hard for both of us.
The lacking that I feel is actually quite large. It feels like I am being leftout/ excluded or being forgotten. That I am invisible. This illness is not visible, beyond the MedicAlert bracelet I wear. No one would know. My allergy is not how I choose to be defined. It does come up from time to time and I need to talk about it in certain instances for my own safety. I have observed Dinner invites and Wine & Cheese invitations tend to disappear as people find out about my allergy. It becomes too difficult to have me as a guest. I can’t apologize for something I can’t change & have zero control over.
When I get an invitation to a social gathering and the host chooses serving red wine over my company... I get the point pretty quickly. It comes down to this: the host has 365 days in a year to enjoy a glass of red wine ... if I am not worth a small substitution for one evening ~ then clearly this host does not hold my friendship or life in high esteem. Message received loud and clear.
For me the decision to serve red wine is the same as inviting a family over to your house for dinner. In passing the mother goes on to mention that the child has a very severe peanut allergy. Now take a moment to think about this .. As the Host would you insist on making Peanut Butter Cookies because they are your fave cookie ?
Of all the things you could serve for dessert would you honestly insist on peanut butter cookies ? Of course not.
One of the other things that I have learned on this path is that people are only human. I tell my self that we are all trying our best. And that I am sure no one is doing anything purposely to offend or hurt my feelings. The other lesson is that I, perhaps expect more from them than I should. Perhaps I need to lower the bar.. drop my standards. Seems to me that this may be the only way to protect my heart from more frustration & hurt.
So to anyone who feels alienated due to being “differently abled” or having chronic illness. I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.
Anyone who is hurting deep inside as they struggle with low self worth or anxiety or PTSD. I SUPORT YOU.
To anyone who is lonely and sad. I SEE YOU To all of my readers don't ever forget
YOU ARE WONDERFUL
I encouraged any comments or feedback
Be safe
SFB
Ps. All this talk about gatherings and weddings and fun times was written in a pre Covid kind of place ( remember the olden days) So please don’t think I was out here having fun while you were home obeying rules and social distancing.